Stef Sifandos
Relational Alchemist, Community Builder & Changemaker

The Approval Of The Father4-7 min read

Ah that fleeting moment when Dad approves you with his warm smile… And then, gone… There is great dignity and reverence in feeling the warmth, the solidarity and the support of the sacred father or grandfather energy. I recall often as a child yearning for the approval and the support of my father. Dearly wanting his wisdom imparted, the gentleness of his hand to guide me through life as I at times felt like I was catapulting through the cosmos.

His approval WAS EVERYTHING, yet the deep desire for his approval was what imprisoned my soul’s expression and limited my authentic self in to the world. I attached to this approval as if it was all there was, as if there was nothing else. All of what I did, who I was and how I behaved was predicated upon his approval. I idolised the man that ignored the truth of what was in front of him.

At that time I could not understand this man’s own personal and then projected wounding. He tried, oh how he tried. Yet, once I latched on to that idea of needing his approval to validate my existence, no matter what I did and no matter what he did would ever satisfy that insatiable thirst for validation of my own self worth. Yet, I also imprisoned him as he was now near able to meet my constructed expectations of what I THOUGHT I needed from him.

And at this point, this is the ‘mis-take’ we all make (or rather take) in life for now we are bound to a bottomless pit of continuously taking action that will never meet the standards of our own inner critic, nor that of those we hold up as false Gods.

You see, there is great depth and power in the healthy father. There is a great opportunity for us as boys to grow in to healthy and connected, vertical and compassionate heart based warriors. That lead with strength, resilience and the ability to empower self and others.

Yes, I am projecting SOME of the qualities that I have come to value by having NOT being exposed to these from my primary father figure. Over the years I learned to embrace my past, I learned to lean in to my past and choose not to be a victim of conditioning. I chose to focus on the gifts I was given and that through my exposure of volatility and violence I was able to clarify who I truly wanted to be in this world…

My father gave me a gift. His emptiness, became mine and in that I chose to pursue and ultimately embody a truth beyond the measure of what I do, what I have and how others perceive me and chose to step in to self-empowerment. With this emptiness, I then chose how I defined fullness.

What a gift. I now choose to be a man that nurtures, holds strong in posture, vertical in vulnerability, open in truth and more silent in knowing. I have learned and embodied compassion, forgiveness, acceptance and empathy because I was not approved of as a young child.

And now (as all men do with greater awareness) we have the opportunity to stand in compassion and unconditional love of those we surround ourselves with. To accept without judgment. A wisdom I am of course still learning and one that I am embrace wholly. To approve does not mean to judge with prejudice, it means to accept with non-linear openness.

To stand in one’s truth and continue to embrace the opportunity to relate and connect intimately without fear and devoid of unconscious past wounding. To give the next generation an opportunity to cultivate a deeper sense of healthy self-worth.

As a man, I am ready. Are you?

One is always glad to be of service.

Stef Sifandos
Relational Alchemist, Community Builder & Changemaker
Stef Sifandos
Relational Alchemist, Community Builder & Changemaker

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